你并不奇怪（或者也许你很奇怪）

范小成

The question is: Do you think you are?
问题是：你觉得自己奇怪吗？

Posted Dec 09, 2015

Am I weird?
我很奇怪吗？

Am I a bad person?
我是一个坏人吗？

Is there something wrong with me?
我出了什么问题吗？

I frequently get emails asking variations of these questions.
我经常受到邮件被问到类似的各种问题。

Am I weird that I don’t like hanging out with a bunch of people?
我不喜欢和一大群人出去闲逛，我很奇怪吗？

Is there something wrong with me because I hate talking on the telephone?
我是不是出了什么问题因为我讨厌讲电话？

The immediate answer that springs to my mind is, of course not. You are not weird or bad and there is nothing wrong with you. Lots of us don’t want to hang around with big groups of people and hate the intrusion of the telephone.
出现在我心头的第一个回答是，当然不是了。你不奇怪也不坏，并且你也并非出了什么问题。我们当中的很多人都不想和一群人去逛街，并且很讨厌被电话打扰。

But, like so much in life, the answer is not as simple as we want it to be.
但是，就像生活中的很多事情，答案并不像我们想要的那样简单。

I’m not saying that you’re weird. That’s not for me to say. It’s also not for me to say that you’re not weird. Not definitively, anyway. All I can say with certainty is that you are human, with all the weirdness that encompasses.
我并不是说你很奇怪。那不是我说的。我同样也不会说你不奇怪。不管怎样，都不能确定。我能确定地说你是一个人类，人类本身就是包含着所有的不可思议的物种。

But beyond that, these are question only you can answer. Because the bottom-line question is: Are you getting what you want from life and your relationships?
但是除此之外，那些问题只有你自己才能回答。因为最终的问题是你从生活中得到了你想要的东西和人际关系了吗？

If you are, then what's the problem?
如果你得到了，那么还有什么问题呢？

And if you are not, why not?
如果没有，那么又是为什么呢？

Are you avoiding the telephone and then feeling angry or hurt that people don’t call?
你是不是没有接电话然后就会觉得生气或者伤害了那个不再打来的人？

Are you refusing invitations and then feeling lonely?
你是不是拒绝了邀请之后会感到孤独？

Are you conceding to other people’s demands and then feeling resentful?
你是不是对别人的要求妥协之后感到怨恨？

I’m not a big fan of Dr. Phil (I learned too much about him writing this book (link is external)), but he has one catchphrase that is undeniably useful:
我不是费尔医生的粉丝，但是他有一句名言是毋庸置疑地非常有用：

How’s that workin’ for ya?
它给你带来怎么样的感受？

Because the problem is not what you do, it’s how you feel about it.
因为问题不是你做了什么，而是你对它有什么样的感受。

Your life, your choices, your happiness.
你的生活，你的选择，你的快乐。

I would be sad if friends stopped reaching out to me, so I monitor my behavior to make sure I’m responding and reaching out enough for people to know that their friendship and feelings matter, and to ensure that they keep me in their hearts.
我想说的是如果朋友们不再联系我我会很伤心，所以我监管着自己的行为来确定自己和人们有足够的联系和回应，以此来了解他们的友谊和感觉，以及确保他们能将我放在心上。

This doesn’t mean I say yes to everything or everyone, nor do I feel guilty about saying no. My life, my choices. Anyone who insists I live my life according to their standards doesn’t earn the moniker “friend.” But I do hold myself responsible for upholding my end of relationships—not for the benefit of others, but for my own benefit. Because I need people as much as I need solitude. My job is balancing the two.
这并不意味着我会对每一件事情或对每一个人说YES，也不会因为说NO而感到愧疚。我的生活，我选择。那些依照自己的标准生活的人们不需要挣得“朋友”。但是我对坚持结束自己的人际负责——不是为了他人的利益，而是为了我的利益。因为我如此需要人们，也同样如此需要独处。我的工作就是平衡两者。

I know people think I’m weird about the telephone. But real friends think it in an indulgent "Oh, that’s just Sophia…” way, so it doesn’t bother me in the least. People who think it’s weird in a nose-wrinkling, I-smell-something-bad kind of way just don’t get me and never will. That’s their prerogative. Doesn’t mean I have to do anything about it, or even care.
我知道别人觉得我对电话的态度很奇怪。但是真正的朋友会以一种宽容的方式包含我，“哦，索菲亚就是这样……”，所以这丝毫都不会影响到我。那些皱着鼻子觉得这点很奇怪的人，是那种“我闻起来像是什么东西坏了”的人，他们不是我的朋友并且永远不会是。那是他们的特权。这不意味着我必须对这种行为采取行动或甚至介意它。

I go to parties, but have been known to bail out shortly after arriving. Is that weird? A little, but it’s a kind of weird that doesn’t bother me. On some weekends, I plan on not seeing a soul (except my husband). Is that weird? It would be if I didn’t enjoy it but I do; I luxuriate in it.
我也会参加聚会，但已经知道露面不久后就会马上离开。这很奇怪吗？有一点奇怪吧，但是这也丝毫不会影响我。在一些周末，我会计划谁都不见（处了我丈夫）。那很奇怪吗？如果我不能享受其中的话也许会很奇怪，但是我很享受；我沉浸在其中。

If someone who matters to me feels neglected, that's important for me to hear in order to decide if I am willing and able to change my behavior, or if this is something I have to let them work out themselves. (Read this post for more on this subject.)
如果对我很重要的人感觉到了被忽视，那么倾听对我来说很重要，倾听是为了决定我是否愿意并且有能力改变我的行为，或者这是否是我必须放手让他们自己想通的事情。

But what I don’t do is ignore the phone and then feel neglected; refuse all invitations and then feel sorry for myself because I don’t get invited; spend all my time alone and wonder why I’m lonely. I don’t neglect my relationships and then bemoan my lack of friends. Because, you know, that would be weird.
但我不会做的是不接电话然后感到愧疚；决绝所有的邀请然后对自己感觉很抱歉，因为自己没有受到邀请；花费所有的时间独处并且惊奇为什么自己很孤单。我不会忽略自己的人际关系然后哀叹自己缺乏朋友。因为，你懂的，那样真的很奇怪。

So…are you weird? Are you bad? Is there something wrong with you? Or are you just being true to yourself? Are you giving and receiving exactly as much as feels right and fulfilling for you? Are you happy with the way you are living your life?
所以……你很奇怪吗？你很坏吗？你是不是出了什么问题？或者你对自己坦诚吗？你是否给予和接受了尽可能多的正确的感觉和能满足你的感觉？你对自己现在的生活方式感到快乐吗？

Those are questions only you can answer.
这些问题只有你能够回答。

文本文档

:):):)

Elena

很好的问题{:soso_e100:}

范小成