你有一个难以交流的伙伴或父母吗？来学习一下这个技巧吧

司马如花 · 发表于 2015-10-22 10:45:55

本帖最后由司马如花于 2015-10-22 10:49 编辑

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与难以沟通的伙伴或父母交流，你会需要这个最重要的技能。

Posted Oct 18, 2015

Speak to the differences!  Learn to say, “You know Mom, I see it differently.  Let me tell you how I see it.”
谈论不同的观点！学着说“你知道的妈妈，我的看法并不同。让我告诉你我是怎么看待它的。”

I shouldn't really call this a "skill" or "technique."  It makes it sound too easy.
我真的不应该将其称为一种“技能”或“策略”。这使得它听起来太过容易。

Learning to speak to the differences with a partner or family members is difficult.  It is also the most growth-fostering exercises you can practice to strengthen your relationships--and built your own self-esteem.
学着与伙伴或家庭成员谈论不同点是非常困难的。但这也是最能促进成长的锻炼，锻炼你增强人际关系的能力——并且也会建立你的自尊。

What does it mean to “speak to the differences”? It’s not about confronting a family member, which is rarely a growth-enhancing move.  When we head into a confrontation, we’re out to change or convince the other person, which isn’t possible.  We may secretly want to make the other person feel as bad as they’ve made us feel, which also won’t happen and won’t help.
那么“谈论不同之处”是什么意思呢？这不是要站在家人的对立面，站在家人的对立面几乎不是一个能促进成长的行为。当陷入对抗状态，我们总试着去改变或说服他人，但这是不可能的。我们可能也会悄悄地想让别人感受一下坏情绪，就像他们带给我们的坏情绪一样，但是这种情况也不会发生，甚至不会带来帮助。

In contrast, speaking to the differences means that we can calmly share our thoughts and feelings, and allow the other person to do the same, without getting too nervous about differences and without having to fix or shape up the other party.
相反，谈论不同的观点意味着我们能平静地分享我们的想法和感觉，并且也允许他人做同样的事情，不会因为有不同观点而感到紧张，也不必非得纠正或塑造其他部分。

Far from letting the other person off the hook, practicing this rule invites the other person to sit in the hot seat and tolerate some discomfort.
不要迫使别人摆脱困境，要慢慢练习这个规则，试着邀请别人坐在坐下来一段时间，并且试着忍耐不舒服的感觉。

Joanna, a therapy client who was married to Carolina, was on the receiving end of homophobic comments from her mother who treated Joanna’s marriage to a woman as a problem to be tolerated.
乔安娜，是一位来访客户，她与卡洛琳娜（女）结婚，但乔安娜与妈妈的谈话走到了末路，她妈妈是一位恐同性恋者，妈妈觉得乔安娜和一个女人是自己无法容忍的大问题。

Joanna would snap at her mother, try to educate her or seethe silently—none of which was productive.
乔安娜想要厉声喝止母亲，尝试着教育她或者默默地忍受怒火——但是这些都不起作用。

The breakthrough came when Joanna spoke calmly to their differences and simply asked her mother to reflect on the matter. “Mom,” she said, “I have the impression from our talks that you think being gay is a problem I was born with and that you should accept it because you love me. I have a different perspective. When I first became aware of my feelings for women, I was scared and wondered what was wrong with me, but that’s changed totally over time.
当乔安娜冷静地说出她们的不同观点并且简单地要求母亲反思这件事时，事情的突破口出现了。“妈妈，”她说，“我们的谈话留给我的印象是，你觉得我成为一个同性恋者是我先天的问题，并且你应该要接受现实，因为你爱我。但是我有一个不同的观点。当我第一次意识到我对女人有感觉时，我也被自己吓到了，惊讶地问自己这是怎么了，但是随着时间的流逝，我的想法完全改变了。”

My marriage to Carolina is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and even if she weren’t in the picture, I wouldn’t choose to change who I am or become straight. What’s it like for you that we see this so differently?”
“我和卡洛琳娜结婚是到目前为止发生在我身上最好的事情，即使没有遇到她，我也不会选择改变我自己，或者改变性取向。你看，对你来说我们的看法截然不同吧？”

Joanna’s mother rose to the occasion and shifted gears as she tried to honor Joanna’s marriage rather than simply tolerating it. But even if she had responded badly, Joanna had found her adult voice. In this conversation and others, Joanna expressed pride in who she was, and she affirmed the new family that she and Carolina had established.
乔安娜的母亲开始适应现实情况并且进行了自我调整，她尝试着尊重乔安娜的婚姻而非简单地容忍它。但即使母亲的回应很糟糕，乔安娜也已经为自己发声过。在这个对话和其他的例子中，乔安娜以做自己为自豪，并且她很肯定她和卡洛琳娜建立起来的新家庭。

She did this without getting defensive or attacking, and without needing to change or convince her mother.
她这样做，没有辩护或者攻击，并且也不需要改变或说服她的母亲。

Sometimes, it's quite powerful to say, "You know, I see it differently," and leave it at that. That is, if you speak in a calm, non-blaming way.
有时候，“你知道的，我有不同的看法，”这种说法很有威力，并且到此为止。意思就是说，你这样说的时候是否是以一种冷静的、非责备的方式来讲的。

Every marriage and family has high twitch-areas where it can be quite challenging to say, “You know, I see it differently. Let me tell you how I see it.” If you stay on course you will build a more solid self and be more able to find your own voice in all your key relationships.
每一段婚姻和家庭都有自己的高度敏感区，谈到有关的话题时很有挑战，“你知道，我有不同的看法的。让我来跟你说说我的看法吧。”如果你还停留在建立更牢固的自我的过程中，停留在在所有关键的人际关系中更能发现自己声音的过程中，那么就试着学习这种策略吧。

liujuan · 发表于 2015-10-28 07:33:11

很好的

司马如花 · 发表于 2015-11-2 12:06:49

比较有参考意义

明月光华 · 发表于 2015-11-12 11:38:18

得好好学习领悟领悟，谢谢！

9zjuzilaoshi · 发表于 2015-11-12 12:06:08

谢谢分享

司马如花 · 发表于 2015-11-13 11:31:26

不客气哟~

verylove1 · 发表于 2015-12-1 10:42:15

好棒好棒

taideng1976 · 发表于 2015-12-1 10:58:40

只是强调自己的看法，而不去强求对方接受，从无形中影响了对方。

司马如花 · 发表于 2015-12-1 11:04:56

恩，有道理