Now, if Dana’s family really did consist of selfish, heartless barbarians, her plight would be a straightforward case of Good vs. Evil.
现在，如果戴娜的家庭成员真的 都是自私、没心没肺的野人的话，那么她的处境就是简单的善良与邪恶的对抗。
But relationships are almost never that black and white...
但是家庭关系几乎永远也不会是非黑即白……
The problem is that Dana’s feelings have never been part of the discussion between her and her family.
问题是在她和家人的讨论中，戴娜的感受从来就不是讨论的一部分。
Dana would disagree. She thinks she constantly shares her feelings, and her family's behavior says, “We don’t care.”
戴娜却不认同。她认为她不停地分享她的感受，并且家庭成员的行为已经说明了问题，“我们不在乎”。
她也没有跟他们分享，“当我独自整理的时候，感觉很糟糕。”
Like many people, Dana doesn’t believe her feelings are sufficient to motivate kindness in others.
像许多人一样，戴娜并不认为她的感觉足以使他人体谅自己。
Instead, she presents “evidence” that’s easy to ignore or debate – and that makes others turn away instead of leaning in.
取而代之，她摆出了“证据”，这很容易让人们忽视或引起争论——这会让他人转身离开，而不是从中学习。
Appealing to facts leaves your complaints open to being ignored, even by people who love you.
借助于事实，会让你的抱怨很容易的被忽略，即使是爱你的人。
For friends and family to show they care, you need to express emotions, not facts.
想要让朋友或家人显示他们的关心，你需要表达感情，而不是摆事实。
Your feelings don’t have to be right or rational, but they do have to be owned by you. This means that “I feel all alone with the chores” is a better way to express yourself than, “You’re being rude.”
你的感觉并不是必须正确或合理，但是它们都必须是你的。意思就是“做家务杂事的时候我感觉很孤单”这样的表达要比“你总是这么无礼”好得多。
第一个例子中，你觉得孤单，没有一个人可以和你争论。但在第二个例子中，这种方式很容易遭到反驳，“不，我没有。”
“我觉得孤独”是跟我有关。“你很无礼”是跟你有关。
我说的任何关于“你”的事情，都不如表达“我”的感觉更容易被人理解。
为了能更有的效的和朋友、家人抱怨，尝试以下建议。
If your complaints are consistently falling on deaf ears, examine your complaint process.
如果你的抱怨总是左耳进右耳出，那么检查一下你抱怨的过程。
Take ownership of your feelings about the situation.
在这个处境上获得你感情的所有权
Share your feelings using a feeling word such as “angry” or “sad” or “insecure,” rather than focusing on others’ behavior.
分享你的感情的时要使用感情词汇，如“生气”或“悲伤”或“没有安全感”，而不要将注意力放在他人的行为上。
Include a specific request in every complaint.
每一次抱怨中都包含一个具体的要求。
